Apologies for those who don`t know Tommy Cooper! 1. Technicality There's a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The NASA headquarters in Houston calls the shuttle after exiting the Earth's atmosphere: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 go to the television screen." The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to: "Release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors." So the monkey makes the necessary pressure, temperature changes, and releases the oxygen. A few moments later Houston calls again: "Monkey number 2, Monkey number 2 go to the television screen." The monkey moves to the screen and sits down. He is told to: "Add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation." So the monkey makes the necessary carbon dioxide and fuel changes, adds the nitrogen and does the analysis of the solar radiation. A little later on, Houston calls again: "Woman, woman please approach the television screen." The woman moves to the screen and sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says....."I know, I know....Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything." 2. Oh dear Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons." "You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno." 3. In the style of Tommy Cooper please Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a f***ing spanner, he said he didn't have one!" 4. An ode to marriage? A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
