Uwe Boll - Producer game related movies such as 'Alone in the Dark' and 'House of the Dead' has said he will fight anyone who slags off his movies. Step forward one Richard Kyanka, aka Lowtax of Something Awful fame, who will step into the boxing ring on the 23rd September. Since GBS is subscriber only atm, Lowtax's post is below. ---------------------------- I talked to Mr. Dr. Boll's publicist today, who give me some more information regarding the upcoming boxing match. 1) They'll be flying me and my wife up to Vancouver (I think; it was somewhere in Canada) to stay there for FIVE DAYS, to watch him film his stupid "Postal" movie with Gary Coleman. 2) The fight is apparently going to be sponsored by GOLDEN PALACE DOT COM, so if you see me plastered with that stupid website's URL, now you know why. 3) "Uwe" is apparently pronounced "OOH-VUH," like the name of a female reproductive organ. 4) They asked for a bio for their press release, so I wrote up this: quote: Biography for Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka was born May 11th, 1976 in Charlotte, North Carolina to Richard Kyanka Sr., a professional recovering alcoholic, and Carol Anatra, a retired convenience store. Rich was named after his mother, Carol, and his first name means "cool breeze over the mountains" in his native tongue of Thetan. At the ripe age of one, the Kyanka family moved to Lee's Summit, Missouri, where they live to this day. If you are reading this and they do not currently live in Lee's Summit, Missouri, then it is not "this day," although it might be "that day." Please consult your physician to correct this. Rich's father started his own business in the late 1970s, one which the government likes to dub "the sale of illegal narcotics," while his mother gave up work to hide in a closet from Dracula full time. Although a series of rocky divorces threatened to break apart their marriage, the Kyanka family stood together and eventually power-leveled to the cap, achieving a maximum 1600 hit points and an enchanted helmet adding four points to their intelligence. Richard and Carol eventually produced a daughter named "Jessica" as well, but her role in the family was outsourced to an Indian woman in 1996. Rich's priorities in Rockhurst high school included avoiding bee stings and throwing those disgustingly huge green breadfruits at people trying to play tennis in a local country club. His nickname, "Big Poppa Mulch," came from his fascination with gardening, a hobby he still practices to this day (he has successfully planted over one flower, which did not immediately die until the night he watered it with human urine). Although Rich ran cross-country for all four years, he was not able to break the elusive "nine-minute mile" barrier that prevented him from truly excelling in the sport and becoming a professional person who runs away or towards things. He did, however, one time write a program in his typing class which simulated a DOS prompt and made all the typed letters float off the screen, making the user believe their computer was possessed by Satan. Despite all this, he still managed to graduate and get accepted to Vanderbilt University in 1994. While attending Vanderbilt and pursuing an engineering degree, Rich discovered he did not want to attend Vanderbilt nor obtain an engineering degree. Proof of this can be seen by his GPA, which, if rounded up, would still be a negative number. Many of his sophomore and junior days were spent in his dorm room, watching re-runs of "The Price is Right" and playing Quake 2. Also, at one point in time, he bought and wore purple pants. Rich eventually dropped out of college and was promptly hired by the university as a systems administrator for the Vanderbilt Vision and Research Department, despite the fact that every piece of electronics Rich has ever touched spontaneously combusted. He was given his own office and computer, which he used to download files such as "nastypics.exe" and Bonzi Buddy. In 1999, Rich accepted a job by Gamespy Industries as webmaster of their premiere site Planet Quake, which people actually used to read back then. After a comical mix up revolving around Rich calling his boss' female friend a derogatory word which rhymes with "witch" but starts with a consonant considerably earlier in the alphabet, he voluntarily agreed to be fired. While working for various companies doomed to destruct during the dot-com bubble burst, Rich continued to update and run his own personal comedy website, Something Awful dot com, which he began as a side project in October of 1999. Rich worked for many different defunct companies including Gamefan, eFront, and Shock Fusion, a company dedicated to both shocking and fusing people. Throughout the massive layoffs and bankruptcies, Rich still managed to continue running Something Awful dot com, much to the joy of both his readers. Something Awful dot com is now Rich's full time job, employing writers across the globe to update the site with the hottest new celebrity weight loss tips and issue hourly news reports speculating what happened to that dumb blonde college girl who disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle or wherever. Through seven years, Rich has failed to completely fail running Something Awful dot com, and it currently serves nearly four million pages daily to pasty recluses in basements throughout Earth. In addition to the website, Rich has expanded to produce and distribute the video game comedy DVD series "Mega64," as well as the bone chilling horror film "Doom House." The Moofwear, Flat Falls, and Awful Gear lines of clothing can be purchased through Awful Mart dot com, selling a wide range of merchandise including paintings of old man pubic hair. Rich lives with his wife, Megan, one-year old daughter, Lauren, two cats and a dog, all of whom lick their own butts. The cats and dogs do, not his wife and daughter. Well technically I suppose the wife and daughter could lick their own respective butts, but honestly, that's probably not accurate. A pacifist by nature, Rich does not plan on actually defeating Uwe Boll in mortal combat. "Sure, I hate Uwe Boll films like every man, woman, and child," he recently stated to nobody in particular. "But I don't hate them enough to actually engage in any physical activity or training more demanding than waking up in the morning." Instead, Rich prefers a more "psychological" attack to counter the emotional scars left by Dr. Boll's videos. "Uwe doesn't physically break into your house and sodomize you with a broomstick, he instead lets his movies do that to your brain. This is my approach to boxing; sodomizing your brain with a broomstick." Despite Rich's lack of boxing experience and his failure to have hit anybody anywhere ever, he is confident his skirmish with Dr. Boll will result in a glorious victory. "The fact that Uwe Boll has to film all his movies in Canada is proof that America's war on terrorism is succeeding." www.somethingawful.com www.awfulmart.com I wonder how much of this they'll actually put in their press release, since I'm assuming the PR dude probably doesn't get paid to have a sense of humor. 5. The fight will be on, or around, September 23rd. 6. I do not know who else he is fighting or when or why or where. 7. No, I will not train or box for the sole purpose of "kicking his ass" or anything, I'm assuming this whole thing was created for publicity (which is working for him), and I'm participating for FUN not for VIOLENCE and this is my excuse when I get my face crushed by AN ANGRY GERMAN EX-BOXER. 8. I wanted to end this list on an even number.
You'd think so, especially since he seems like a bit of a nutcase. I'd guess it will be a short fight.
I was curious as to who would win until I actually looked up a picture of Uwe Boll. That's a pretty big guy...
