A while ago I reached out… under the pseudonym "E.K. Drake" or Ellie. Both are pseudonyms ... I am actualy Ellie...and my real name is Corey. I think it was always transparent that this was the case. I appreciate most people not just telling me off as if I were lying about me "posing" as "Ellie's Friend" and not Ellie. For me it was easier to reflect on such a dark situation if you can somewhat distance yourself from yourself. The stories told were embellished but basically true. One story involved Me saving Ellie from a suicide attempt a few years back. I didn't but the story was basically the recollection of the friends who did save my life. I was angry though and bitter… The pain reached a new high point during these "posts". And my state of mind reflected that and felt people not helping me out financially was indicative about just how dark the world is. Logically though… now I obviously understand why no one was quick to be a Superman… There are just too many known cases of this sort of thing being a con. I figure it's unfair to not leave a update for a while… But I've been chained to the bed almost from the pain I'm suffering from. PS: If anyone is wondering about the reason for the pseudonym… A. Ellie was the name of a childhood stuffed animal B. Also E= Elliot (for Elliot Smith) K = Kurt (for Kurt Cobain) Drake = for Nick Drake All of these are singers who died tragically young. If anyone does remember I used to post some of my own music around here too http://www.myspace.com/coreyfunt ----- But... while I have a more positive outlook on life... well I'm afraid ... I'm really afraid.. My Doc has been bugging me...said I was close to getting diabetes a few months back. Due to extreme weight gains... Then recently I went for a test as he said it was a good idea just to check status and thing... He's not one to call ... I usually have to call him for any appointments.. But I got like 10 phone calls to book an appointment... so I'm worried about bad news.. I'm worried... I'm so messed up as it is... PTSD, Bipolar...a serve arm injury and chronic pain every day. What will diabetes do to me? Is it just going to be a shot in the arm every once in awhile... I'm used to blood tests... But, if it's gonna screw up my quality of life even more... well... I dunno I need to be prepared.. Anyone have a idea as to what will lie ahead... ---- PS: while you now have my full name... I do ask you please! PLEASE! don't make my life any harder by doing something like calling the assualter's lawyers or something weird.
I dunno guys.. I'm freaking out Life's just been a piece of shit to me…there is no god... I'm freaking brilliant and was in a insanely great Science program before everything went wrong. But so was my cousin.. he had a calculator in his head (e.g. ask him the square root of 102412 and instantly he'd tell you... and was a genius in computer science... Then one day he cracked... and started living in a world where the Nazi's had taken over ... He later accidentally killed his mom in a car crash.. My best friend.... we were gonna design software together ... and he's now a nothing... And I'm almost a nothing too.. I'm gonna crack… I'm gonna crack... My diagnosis list is pages long (Bipolar, Panic Attacks, and much more)... 1. I'm suffering from chronic pain, emotional problems and am overweight (I was 150 before the injury and now am around 300 lbs.) The pain is so bad that it brings me to tears often ... and I find myself in bed most days. 2. I'm at a weight where it's hard to go on a walk an normally I find exercise daunting because of the pain I face… so its hard to do regularly.… I'm past the point where I can just start jogging once and lose the weight. 3. I'm gonna get diabetes 4. My welfare doesn't even cover the cost of a months ultity bill so I'm stuck in a dysfunction house with a nut for a mother 5. Everytime I make progress I lose it because I'm not being supported emotionally. Mom is so financially screwed … That she can't support me emotionally even. She doesn't let us use the air conditioner… Or if I put it on … she wakes up and shuts it down immediately. So... sometimes it's so hard ... I can't believe that even after me having a emotional breakdown last night… And she swore to God she wouldn't turn off the AC as I was overheated due to my extra bodyweight.. Well instead of just lowering the A/C … she got up at like 4 in the morning and turned it completely off. So again I woke up in a pool of my own sweat and felt awful because I didn't sleep properly. I DON'T SLEEP PROPERLY ANYMORE… 6. I feel like I can't trust anyone…. It's funny my Grandfather and Uncle are insanely really well off.. but they are nuts maybe…because they make you try and squeeze the money out inch by inch… He promises to pay for therapy… but constantly stiffs me... He stiffed my Mom and me on the cost of my therapy which is more then $200 per session. Yesterday in tears I told him I need help. Grandpa says "you tell the doctor I will help and pay for it"… So I rush to his house... a hour away.. and Then he gives me a hundred bucks… less then one meetings cost when I owe them for like 4 missed appointments. So I just ripped up the check. It comes down to this. I know my own situation inside out. I've tried to make it through so-called "regular channels" to make it alone. 0. I've tried for social services including housing support.. but it's like more then a 3 years waiting list. 1. I tried university 5 different times. Only to find myself emotional and physically overwhelmed in part due to my injury. 2. For my mental health I've been in "The Nuthouse.." But, I begged CAMH to take me in… I begged… They didn't want to. A "private" centre would have been 1000s of dollars a day and no one ... even my rich relatives.. wouldn't help Then I ended up worse as the doctor at the center was old and unfamillar with basic medicine it seems. The meds I was on caused extreme amounts of weight gain further screwing me. Then I got thrown in jail …due to the associated emotional problems from improper mental health treatment… My mom called the cops…when I had a panic attack THey tortured me in there you know that…. a. One of the Guards was fucking with me the whole time and claimed "I was actually under arrest for murder. That they knew about the little girl and that they found her bloody teddy bear in my backyard." b. I had to wipe my ass with my hands… the guard refused to give me toilet paper (even though there were 4 rolls right beside him.) c. It was the freezing winter and I had my PJs on and a shirt. So I slept on the cold floor. d. They denied me all medications as "they could contain Recreational drugs which you could sell to other detainees. And it goes on….It goes on…
I would imagine the lack of repsonses mean no one really knows what to say. All I can say is despair rarely ever did anyone any good, in fact if you are one of these people that worry about everything you are probably better off on some form of tranquiliser or other form of medication. I'm on the other end of the spectrum in that I had a lot of shit to deal with but I'm not really bothered about it. In fact I'm so stubborn whenever I've drowned, been stabbed, broken bones or been in crashes I always get back up. I walked to work on broken toes to be on time before now and did stupid shit like manual labour with broken fingers too. You're not the only person to have put on weight. I'm presently quite fat, but my weight is unchanged. It is because my physical inactivity has led to muscle atrophy and as my body had no use for the energy it stored it, so I've balloooned in recent months. Don't jog but walk and if you chafe put some hydrocortisone on it to reduce the swelling so you can walk the next day. Diabetes isn't the end of the world and certainly not something worth having a meltdown over. Being skint isn't a big deal either - I get what I want by skipping meals or selling old things to pay for new. Not good but meh something has to give. If you can't meet your bills then your bills are obviously too high though - downgrade your premium services to lower tiers and if you have cable TV get rid of it and use web tv I haven't slept properly since birth, I often wake in the night or even injure myself. I've fractured my wrists many times in my sleep. Don't ask me how. Some of your stuff is contradictory too such as you say your grandfather won't help you even though he is rich, but he offers to pay and gives you a cheque for $100 then YOU rip it up. It sounds like you asked for help, you sort of got it, then refused it. If you have a debt with one doctor you could have worked something out, or seen another. There will always come a point where someone may be better off dead - I just don't think you're anywhere near that point yet and seem prone to overreaction, I suspect you are merely neurotic or that it is one part of your dysfunction. I suppose what I am trying to say is that whatever your problems are they seem to be blown way out of proporttion as you appear to be incredibly melodramatic - I would hate to see what drama you make out of an every day thing such as turning a kettle on until the water boils. With this in mind however perhaps you may have a career in creative writing such as a novels or screenplays. Wikipedia isn't the most reliable of sources but reading this should start you on your journey: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurosis Oh and if you have hopes of being normal forget it as you are already there. The only normal person is someone a few standard deviations off in one farea or another of the idealised average - it is just that many people are capable of funcitoning with their dysfunction, or are better at hiding it. Anyhow good luck and at least try to have fun.
I wish you had told us earlier but there is only one part I can help with. Find out if they had cameras in the places this happened and sue, I presume it happened in a cell in which case you can bet money that they would have cameras of some sort. If A,B and D are on camera (preferably with a microphone) You need to file a lawsuit which with the correct evidence should pay out good money that can pay for your medication. If evidence of that exists they are fucked. and I have to quote myself from earlier. John Draper is now much better, I believe he takes pills still but he is able to type and move around, recently he went to a convention.
Maybe I should... I think I can get the Tape myself via the "Freedom of Information" Act... The pain is related to the surgery on my arm ... I had plates installed so nerves were removed.
So the surgery crunch had would be effectively useless? Shame. If heat causes panic attacks wear light coloured/white clothing and get duvet's that is less tog. I'm hot ALL the time so I have a very thin duvet even in winter.
all of us are or will be "broken" machines at one point. What is important is what you build while you exist, so that should be your driving force. Being a hermit is not a choice many people make by preference, but it often helps a person understand oneself in a better manner. I would advise you to read philosophy and I shall direct your attention to the works of Albert Camus. Namely, the book " The Stranger" and "The Myth of Sisyphus" should give you a better perspective about life, no matter how hard it may seem. Use Google and Wikipedia for a summary of the above and if you like what you see I'd urge you to hunt down the books. The guy has won a Nobel prize and is a proponent of Absurdism, the idea that life in itself is absurd yet living is meaningful in its own right. I honestly hope you take my words as a friendly advice, not just an opinion. PS: whatever the circumstance, you must make a case for resisting the easiest way to solve any problem, because often it is the hard path itself that bears the reward.
I'm trying to think of a succinct way to respond to this, but I keep just writing huge essays. I'll try again tomorrow.
