The never ending story

As her eyes attempted to read the horrible perverted chicken scratch that passed for letters on the back of the pigeon note, a loud roar thundered in from outside.

"What the fuck is that?" Thought Destiny. She daintily poked her head outside the doorjam ever so slightly.

If Jesus Christ himself came down from Heaven buck naked with a six foot polka dot afro riding a neon glow in the dark pig with a talking eggplant jammed in it's ass screaming the lyrics to the Micheal Jackson's Moonwalker in backwards Swahili, perhaps then Destiny might sort have could have maybe been more surprised. She was so surprised that she almost didn't dodge the first charge of the hideous eldrich horror from beyond the stars that lie roaring on her front porch. The tentacle that smashed through her doorway with enough force to rend steel like cottage cheese maybe would have gone through her skull, if she suddenly didn't remeber her ten years of intense ninja training.

A quick duck and roll, a sprint behind the dining room table (which was subsequently shattered into a million splinters) and into the kitchen, to retrieve the hidden katana in the broom closet.

The sword belonged to Miyamoto Musashi himself, vetran of a hundred duels. With it Musashi slew the demon lord GinkouGinkouKon-nichiwa Mizu Annaisho Chikatetsu no eki, better known as "Shit Monkey." For these five hundred years the blade has held Shit Monkey's curse. When Destiny recieved the blade from her master RuyDanSakurAkumaKen, she knew that one day the demon may come to reclaim it.

What she did not expect, was it to be so fucking ugly.

 

Uglier than that one guy with the crooked nose and the wooden peg she met that one night in Paris, sitting next to a couple of French altruists who did nothing but help the needy and deal endangered animals.

The two were scheming in search of a hidden duck, often seen with the Yeti in the Himalayan region, considered by many as the Snowman's pet duck and only love mate. The elusive duck was compared to the one on the table, baring the lack of two wings on the latter, when not so suddenly Frank told the other French-man, Mr. Clean, about what he had seen the previous night in the toilet as he was taking a dump, while holding a joint. He said..

 

Picking himself up off the floor, he resolved never, ever again to mix 3 Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, with multiple shots of cheap vodka & whatever the hell that stuff in the brown bottle at the back of his mate's fridge was - having your temple/3rd eye explode all over the place was not, he observed, either terribly much fun, nor going to get him anywhere with the ladies - which was all important, as he reminded himself that tonight was Ladies Night at the local bar.

Mmmmmmm oh, yeah!
What a night.
Oh, yes, it's ladies night.
And the feeling's right.
Oh, yes, it's ladies night.
Oh, what a night...

Turning around to swat the radio off the table, thus silencing Monsieur Kool et amis, he picked up his jacket, placed his hat carefully over his somewhat bloodshot 3rd eye & headed out to continue his search for the entity he secretly knew as The Falcon (aka the erstwhile friend of The Snowman & who nearly everyone continually mistook as a duck, much to the Falcon's extreme annoyance)...

 

Disgusting imitation Cuban cigar smoke wafted through the air while the skeleton German licked his lips.

"Git baak on ze subjeceet! Vhere is ze GIIIIIRL!" He screeched.

"Tell you what, I'll write her address on my boot, you bend over and I'll shove it right up your-"

50,000 more volts zapped through my body. This time it made me bite my own tongue. What the German did not notice though was the rope slowly wearing against my wedding ring. To think I actually considered throwing it away at one time.

The German went over into a corner of the room. Pale faced guards brought in a large case. Out of the case came a large impliment, a bizzare mixture of scissors, chainsaw, pizza cutter and mechanical can opener, with lots of little spikes and shit jutting out of the side to make it look more evil.

"Seence you vill not teel me, zen zere is no more use for you! You heead vill make a fine pieece of art und my vall!"

He fired up the... whatever it was... and made right for my testicles. It was at this moment that the ropes around my wrists decided to finally snap.

Finally, I can kill this man.

 

But he was too quick for me, and the last thing I remembered as he loomed over me with the pizza cutter, still encrusted with strings of mouldy mozzarella and shreds of pineapple from some long-forgotten Hawaiian stuffed crust, was the smell of gasoline suddenly pouring under the locked door, followed by a roaring WHHOOOOFFFFF, as a match was struck.

And that was the end of my story.





Or so I thought...

 

as I heard a famular voice say

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

 

.

 

I sat, stone-faced, stunned by the audacity of the man. How dare he recite all 17 verses of this Poe-m at me while flames licked all about us?

Yet as the furious flames began to toast my buttocks, I sprang into action, leaping into the air and knocking him unconscious with a 360 spin of the chair to which I was handcuffed.

This was my chance...

 

I had one attempt to escape, the chair began to heat up from the flames and doing that 360 spin with the chair reminded me of the time i sat on my 360 as it overheated and having burnt my ass cheeks but there was no time to waste

I thought about setting the chair on fire but i was handcuffed to it so that would be a big mistake if i did, All of a sudden i rushed to the nearest wall that wasn't on fire an smashed the chair against it breaking the wood.

I was almost free when i saw the man stagger to his feet then.......

 

I lowered my shoulder and charged, hitting him square in the chest before he had a chance to look up. I kept pushing with all of the force my legs could muster as his arms involuntarily grabbed around me. Next all I heard were the sounds....the glass breaking, the curtains fluttering in the wind, the horn of a car below, then the massive thud as we finally reached the ground.

 

I had picked myself up. "Holy shit" I said, But then I looked down and saw a massivley mangled figure and several small puddles of blood. I could not think of anything to say, so I left the area. "WEEEEEEWWWWWOOOOO!" Oh no. Sirens! I ran through a small alley.

In the alley, I pulled open a small manhole and jumped down. "Wow!" I exclaimed. The place was almost of pristine gold! There was money, weapons, a whole load of stuff! "I think I will have to stay here for a while.."

 

As I stood in amazement my dreams of sweet bitches and tricked out rides were shattered by a horrendously sharp SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! Whipping my head around I glimped out of the of the corner of my eye what appeared to be a rat. But this couldn't be...Because this was the biggest rat I had ever seen!

Still high from the 'fight and flight' I began to follow without any thought. Passing through the tunnels of *bling* I could hear sounds growing louder and louder. Which direction were they coming from? Was I getting closer to them or were they getting closer to me!? I couldn't think anymore. My blood was pumping and I could see longer see more than two feet ahead of me thanks to the once treasured gold and goods. Then I turned the corner...

I haven't told anyone this before, but I this is where I shat my pants. Standing less than ten meters away were a group of four freakish turtles, twelve...ninjas?!, a guy dressed in silver armor with a flowing purple cape, and...

The rat.

 

I started staring ahead blankly before i moved off as if i was getting ready for a long and arduous journey. My surroundings were cold and grey with a hint of people talking and making noise even though i was alone.

As i got further to what seemed to be my destition i could see old disued everyday items which look like they had been left from whoever previously been here, there were bits of paper with names and other info, letters, artwork...etc

Somehow i came across an old teddy bear and as i lifted it up i suddenly got flashbacks to things that had happened here before and what had happened for this place to become abandoned. It was clear that something un-explained forced a complete closure of the building but what could have happened.........

 

It was clear that someone or something didn't want me there, so I got up and started running, and then, something happened that changed my life completly.

 

that one is:i saw2 my eyes were burning into my skull


then i woke up,only to find myself...........

 

completely naked in a bed next to Susan Boyle before her makeover...

:noooo: :noooo: :noooo:

 

She was still asleep. I was frozen. Staring.

Maybe it wasn't her. She looked a little like my aunt, I always thought, which made things even more uncomfortable when I saw Boyle on TV for the first time, and exponentially more at this very moment.

I slipped out of bed. Very slowly. Like when you're sneaking into your parents room in the middle of the night to plug the cable modem back in. No sound, no shudder.

I brought myself slowly to the floor, and scooted along like a sniper. Inch by inch.
Bump.
That's what I get for staring at the carpet, flat on my stomach, in the dark. I reversed a couple inches from the wall and heard noise in the bed behind me. My pace quickened as I continued my silent crawl to the door. So lucky. It was cracked open enough that I didn't need to turn the handle.
Realizing I was still naked, I made it all the way into the hallway and returned the door to it's previous position. I sat cross-legged, took a deep breath, and looked up...

 

I looked up and saw Susan's Vajay-jay right in front of my eyes.
I couldn't believe it!
After all the hardships I'd been to. She had fed me roofies, and now here I was, helpless and alone in front of the tangled mess of her pubic hair.
I had to do something drastic.

I lowered my head and rolled to a side hitting my head on the door. I was bleeding profusely from the wound in my scalp, but I just had to escape from that awful woman.

She was singing and pursuing me down the stairs....