What would you do in my situation?

2009 was the worst year of my life. My mom cheated on my dad with a long time family friend of ours. My dad chose to forgive her and our friend but our friend was not allowed to see my mom or have anything to do with us. My mom then moved out and the man she cheated with helped her move into an apartment about 3 mins from his house.

My dad has made it very clear that he wants restoration and wants to put the marriage back together. My mom has not. She still loves and misses the other guy.

She is now going through with a legal separation. She clearly wants to divorce my dad, but she is trying to save face while dragging her family through hell.

If she goes through with divorce, what do you think I should do? Should I never have contact with her? She's still my mom, but on the other hand, what's done is done (Lost reference), and I hate saying it, but I honestly want nothing to do with her.

 

It's tough because she is family, but I know it's also understandable if you don't want to have contact with her. The fact that she doesn't care about the relationship nor about keeping a family together makes it seem like she's not all too caring. I would probably cut ties off from her in that situation. All she's probably going to do is cause more suffering since she's the causing you to go through hell now.

 

You know, we tend to forget that our parents are just normal human beings like the rest of us, and they have the same kind of fears, neurosises, feelings, etc. They are just as confused as you are. Divorce is always a troublesome time when children are involved (even if they're adults,) be grateful you're not a kid and they're not fighting custody battles over you.

The fact is, what's between your mother and your father really is their business, and you shouldn't really "do" anything about it. She's still your mother (despite her problems,) you should maintain a meaningful relationship with her. Really their relastionship with each other is up to them to figure out.

 

Havent we had this thread before? Either way she's your mother and what the hells the point in her keeping up some fake relationship with your dad and being miserable for the rest of your life. Yeah shit happened but at the end of the day once some time is gone by maybe both your parents will be happy with other people.

 

^ How very sensitive of you... ^

I think Hawanja has the right idea here. I doubt your mom meant to hurt you, and people will do what they think is best for them. You're definitely going to be angry at her for awhile, but at the end of the day, she's still your mom. Be mad, go talk to a therapist, do what you have to do.

You'll probably forgive her someday, or at least put it behind you, but it's perfectly acceptable to be angry at her right now. Divorce seems to be the best option for your parents, even if your dad doesn't want it.

 

First off I'm very sorry this is occurring in your family. What your mom is doing is extremely selfish. Shes basically only interested in her own self interest and what feels good for her. Shes decided to basically tear the family completely apart so that she can hook up with some stud. Its reprehensible.

What should have happened is, since your still at home, she should have waited it out till the kids were gone. As long as physical abuse was not taking place, the kids welfare is whats important and stability. It was her responsibility with your dad to make a stable home for you. Thats now been demolished. Your dad sounds like a pretty good guy, and one your mom probably doesn't appreciate. Its very sad. They may have had problems but she took something which probably could have been worked out and dropped a meteor from the sky on it.

Whats important now is making life easier for you. Since your usual homelife is around your dad, keep it that way. Go to school, play your games, and be with your friends. Is your mom going for custoday? I would honestly avoid her. Your moms life is now total chaos since shes with this other guy in some wacked out relationship. Its crummy what she did and I think maybe someday she'll realize that.

 

Thanks for the responses.

I moved back home after everything went down. I wanted to help my dad out and support him.

My brother and I are both over 18, so there's no custody battle. But my little sister is 17 and my mom wants her on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend or something like that. My sister is really have a tough time. She's struggling with school, she was a near straight-A student until this year.

The hardest thing is just being at home with my dad. He's an emotional wreck and there's nothing I can do. A lot of times I just ignore him instead of talking to him or whatever. I just stay in my room.

My mom just doesn't get it. She still wants to have a relationship with her kids, but just treats my dad like crap time after time. She's garnishing his wages even though she has a really good job. It's just a joke. December 21, 2009 was supposed to be their 25th wedding anniversary. I can't even believe the situation I'm in right now.

 

What he said.

She should be old and mature to realize just what she's doing and what the consequences will be.
Even if your dad was a total jerk her actions and behavior would still be completely wrong and unjustified.
If you're not ok with your husband/wife/gf/bf you breakup or divorce, not this shit. There is no excuse for cheating PERIOD

"At he end of the day she's still your mom..." this is bull...
If one of your parents beated you up or molested you on a daiky basis would you still think that at the end of the day he's still you dad/mom and everything is ok?

She was selfish, gave up her family and everything your family built to have your family's awesome and loyal "friend" hump her.
She was very lucky and received forgiveness and had the chance to make things right and she spit on your faces again and decided to hump the guy some more.
She doesn't give a crap about anything as long as she's getting humped by your family friend.
At least for the sake of her kids she should show some respect for their father.

Now it's up to you, it this the kind of person you want to have around you and involved in your life?

I've seen this story over and over and the outcome is always the same and bittersweet, karma will bite her in the ass.
The family friend with his proven strong morals will end up cheating your mom and she will realize she lost it all for a few fucks.

Be there for your father and brothers/sisters because they need you and don't waste time on this person that wont bring anything positive to your lives.

(sorry for my broken english and/or any harsher words)

 

He seems to be mad at her because she wont stay with his dad even though his dad gave her a chance doesn't mean she has to come back. She then moved out of the house and that was her choice.

The point is she hasn't she made a mistake in her private life and its not between him and her its between his dad and his mom. Fine if he wants to be there for his dad and comfort him he is right but in the long term he should try and talk to her and have a relationship with her even if hes not happy with her choices. She did raise him in what seemed to be happy family for 18 years!

 

Cheating = beating or molestation... yeah, that makes sense.

She has her own life and makes her own decisions. It hurt her family and that's something she'll have to live with. Was it right? Hell no. Would she do it again? Probably.

People are going to do what they want to do, and they have to take responsibility for their own actions. To say she should've just sucked it up and never cheated is a pretty moronic thing to say, though.

It surprises me how many of you think she's some kind of possession that shouldn't be able to make her own mistakes. She has the right to do what she wants to do. The fact that she's trying to grab a hunk of his paycheck is sickening, though.

graciano, the best advice I can give you is to be there for your dad. He sounds like he needs it, and your mom probably has all the emotional support she can get...

 

Jon, you know I'm always here for you. Just give me a call.

As for what to do? I believe time cures all wounds. I know what it's like to have your parents cheat. My mom did it. And it made me angry, but she's still my mom. And your mom is still your mom.

you're angry, about the whole ordeal. I know. I would step away from your mom for a while, and if the time comes for the differences between you and her about her actions to have calmed down, then you and her can have a family relationship as mom/son again.

But until then, be there for your sister and Dad. Lord knows he needs it and didn't deserve what happened.

 

I'm with Hawanja, Taemos and Henners, you'll get over this with time, and divorce might not sound like the best option but it is. Maybe your dad should try therapy if he is an emotional wreck right now? That might help. And as for not wanting to speak to your mom never again, you shouldn't do that, because if you do, and anything happened to her you will then regret for the rest of your life for not forgiving her and having a relationship back again.
You should take your time and try talking back to her when you feel you are up to it. And of course be there supporting your dad and sis.

 

Do as Kev said. Don't burn any bridges. If you would like to say your peace, then do so with some respect, whether or not she shows you any or not. Other then that, let her be her own person an either realize that she was wrong, or whatever the alternative is.

 

I've been talking with my dad. He's thinking about this summer moving to California and just starting over. Personally I have no problem with this. I've been wanting to get out of Washington for a while. I've even been thinking about the Air Force just so I can get away and have a good job and finish school.

If we did move, it would mean all of us not having contact with our mom until she's ready to make things right. Which might be never but who knows.

I believe we all have to answer for our actions and decisions. I don't know what's going to happen. But I am so ready to be done with all of this.

 

What is making things right to you though? If its her saying sorry, stop taking money from your dad and trying to be civil with him and carry on some kind of relationship with you and your sister then it might be best for you to put your anger aside.

Talk to her and try make her see that shes made a mistake in how she went about her choices but you respect it was her right to make them. Tell her anything she's doing now is harming the relationship between you and her and your sister.

 

So, 2009 was the worse year of your life?

Guess what!!! MINE TOO!!
My father DIED after 20 months struggling with cancer.

You should have seen my mother after that, THAT was emotional wreck.

I think you should get your shit together and start thinking like an adult, putting things into perspective.
Be thankful that both your parents are alive and healthy. Tchoin is right, maybe your dad ought to try therapy. And you should try being more supportive from time to time. I know it's hard, but it's kinda your duty as his son.

As to whether to stop talking to your mother, that's just nonsense. Whatever she did had nothing to do with you or your brother or sister. It was probably just a problem with your dad. She's your mom, and she'll always be so.

I'd give anything to have my father back and divorced to my mom instead of my current situation... So, my advice to you is PUT THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE; GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER and start appreciating the good things you still have.

 

I feel for you having lost your dad, I lost mine last year to cancer also, but telling him to think like an adult by having contact with a women who tore his entire world apart is not adult. Its actually immature and worse not healthy. If someone has wronged you horribly, you don't keep contact with them simply because they hold the title "mom". We don't pick our parents unfortunately and sometimes life serves up rotten ones. They're not all Carol Brady from the Brady Bunch.

In the end I think limited contact with this women is the way to go, until the poster has his own job/life/relationship etc, then after a few years he can begin to let her back into his life. But right now? Forget it.

 

My take: You are doing the right thing helping your dad get through it. He should be your focus now and for some time ahead. Try not to make an absolute decision now and let things settle for a time. Then look at it and see how you feel. In the end, she is your mother. You don't have to like what she did, but still acknowledging her does not mean you are letting your father down.

 

Well obviously every situation is different. In this situation though I don't think calls for that.

When you're a kid, and your parents get divorced, it's like the end of the world. But really if you think about it, it's not much more than two people breaking up, just with more legal hassle. One day you might be faced with this same situation, for whatever the reason, don't be too quick to judge. Yes it's sad that to some people "family" doesn't have the same meaning that it does to others, but that's the world we live in. Before you get married, you better be in it 100%, no matter what. Most people though are not 100% behind anything.

Also, it's never a good idea to "cut off" a family member, unless you really are serious about it. God forbid you do, then something happens and you never get a chance to reconcile. You don't want that guilt hanging over you. What I would do though, is just see her on YOUR terms, when you feel like it. Recommend that to your sister also.