A very very sad day

Sorry man.

 

:-(

 

What can I say that hasn't been said before...... Stay strong mate. The future always holds something good for you.

Yakumo

 

Thing is she is from Cardiff


There are 2 kids involved daughter just turned 12 and son who is 10 in October.

What with financial`s etc god knows what is going to happen as I can`t afford to live and fund her and the kids if they stay with her, which is likely and she can`t afford to live on her own as only in a part time poorly paid job.

Just remortgaged the house to reduce the payments, and arranged some exta to finish double glazing the house.

Apparently before we moved house abouit 3 years ago she wasn`t happy but only decided to inform me just before Christmas last year. Said she would try................came back from a week in France Saturday with the kids as well and it seemed to be a bit better, more conversations, more romance etc..........then drops this on me last night.


Oh what deep joy

But many thanks for all the kind words from you all.

Just goes to show that ASSEMbler is the place to be for gaming and councilling.

So won`t be adding much to the "just bought" section in the future, but hope to still contribute :thumbsup:

 

My offer stands - I've fought the ex-wife through the courts for the last few years and know how English law works, how court orders work and how things can quickly degenerate from "we are amicable" too "my god, where the hell did all this anger & all these solicitors letters come from?"

One thing I would say is that when it comes to divorce, the law stands firmly on the side of the person who initially files the petition. The reason being is that 9 times out of 10 solicitors begin to see £ signs and drag the other side through the mud. You may find yourself having to agree on terms you never thought reasonable.

It can be quite literally soul destroying, but even from a back foot position you can protect yourself & your relationship with your 2 children. You really should act now!

Some would say "ffs, his wife just told him last night... they could still sort things out" and others would say "what the hell do you know about his circumstances?" Very true! My hope is that you do pull things back together again, but from what I am reading here it looks like VA might just need to get a solicitor today rather than tomorrow as there are several financial, family & home related issues he's pointed out.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. But stay strong dude!

 

Yikes! Just 'stumbled' across this thread, terrible news m8, stay strong and make sure you keep in touch.

 

Fake your death and flee the country.

All your stuff? Forget about it. It's just stuff, you can collect it again.

Come back when your kids are older, they'll appreciate it more.



P.S. - Never listen to any relationship advice I give, ever.

 

sorry VA. hope everything ends fast and smoothly. good luck

 

Man.........cant you like, convince her to keep things going for a little more? you know, for the kids?

Dunno, I always felt bad for the kids since usually they get all the bad moments from these situations, and at a early age (like 5 o 7) it can be a real punch to the face, so at least your children arent that young, altought it would be better if they were 15 or 16 since then they're old enough to understand why these things happen.

Honestly I wish I could tell you more but I've never been married, so my expertise on this field comes from people I know, and thats all.

Keep strong dude, whatever you do dont give up the fight.

 

Did she say why she was unhappy, or was it a slowly declining thing you felt was going to happen? (You did mention about her voicing her opinion at Christmas time). I'm sure you have already done this, but you need to sit down with your wife and ask her what her intentions are, how she plans to do the divorce (Such as with the kids, house, etc), and how she plans to support herrself. Best thing to do is remain civil about it, and try not to involve your kids too much with this, since it does become nasty and emotional during divorce at times for everyone involved.

 

I did ask her before Christmas why she had taken so long to say anything and it was only because some more of her "debts" had reared their ugly head. But she couldn`t answer me

As for supporting herself....god knows..........we are going to discuss this tonight, well I am going to put it to her as she does tend to put her head in the sand quite a bit.

Just as we were about to move house a few years ago, partly due to space and partly because of familiarity with neighbours.........5 county court judgements scuppered the mortgage etc etc etc

So I really don`t know what she thinks she is going to do.

If we sell the house (£330000) split in in half after the mortgage £130000 leaves £100000k each.............me I can get a mortgage etc....she can`t and couldn`t afford any rent, I can`t pay for me and her(kids)...........i have got details of a solicitor who deals with this and a 40 min chat is about £40......so will perhaps discuss this tonight and see if we shall look at this in the very very near future. However she is off to Spain with the kids and my brothers ex-wife and daughter at the end of the month........so she may want to wait until then.

We have decided to not say anything to the kids until we have got a better idea of what we are going to do.

I would have her back etc but I think her mind is made up...........

 

At least you WERE married........I can't even get a girlfriend no matter what I do or don't do.

 

I don't know you personally or your situation, so I'm sorry if this comes off the wrong way or I offend you -
but.. why would you want her back?I mean it's a heart breaking thing to have to live through, I kind of know how you feel. but take a second to think this out.

1.you have 2 kids - you probably love them a great deal, they'll always be a part of your life, keep that in mind throughout this. it's not like you're losing everything, you're still a very lucky person for having these 2 children and you'll always play a role in bringing them up - wether you like it or not.

2.she sounds like a very selfish individual and she may have you wrapped around her little finger. you have to be proud and not let her walk all over you. do the right thing, but do it on your own terms if you can. maybe you'll have to make consessions, but try and meet them with a criteria that works for you. for instance - in your situation I'd sell the house or let her have it, as long as she takes care of the kids and doesn't ask you for a penny. you can do this legally, I know it's alot to give up, but if she is willing to take care of the kids, the fair is fair. it may be overdoing it, it really depends from where you look at it. but it could put a full stop on things that would otherwise drag on and bring you down.

3. as long as you have integrity there's no rason you can't start over. it looks like you give way too much of yourself in a relationship. why should you want someone back that clearly doesn't care about you enough to work things out? sorry if that sounds harsh but you have to take care of yourself too, don't let her trample all over you on a whim. love makes you act in strange ways, but you have to seperate things out and do what's best for the long haul.

it's tough to be alone, especially when you've been together for solong, but maybe this'll give you a chance to be your own person again, set yourself new goals. don't sell yourself short, do the right thing, but don't cut yourself down. nothing wrong with a little pride.

again I apologise for anything that may have offended you it was not my intention, and I'm not you so alot of this advice could be meaningless to you - but seriously, don't sell yourself short, she may not actually deserve you.

 

I hope you get things sorted out amicably whatever you decide to do becuase that will keep both of you stress free to sort yourself out or if you stay together the both of you.

i'm sure whatever happens you'll have the good people here at assembler to offer advice and cheer you up.

 

There's been a lot of good advice offered here VA, and I hope some of it at least will help you through this very difficult time. It's clear that the Assembler community care for your well being and are always here if you need us. Stay strong, stay rational and do what you feel is best for yourself. I personally have no experience of Divorce, but I'm only a PM away if you ever need to sound off or want an outsiders point of view.

I believe that things happen for a reason, and despite the pain you're feeling now, things will get better and "normality" will be restored. Best of luck with everything and make full use of your friends and family - don't go through this alone!

 

A solicitor should not charge for the first 1hr of consultation in an advisory capacity. Clearly without taking on your case they are unable to speak about specifics, but from the point-of-view of getting basic information & theoretical details it is perfect.

This is very important: LOOK FOR A SOLICITOR WHO BELIEVES IN RESOLUTION! There is a list of UK / English Family Law practitioners who in the first instance get parents to sit at a table and speak to one another! If the solicitor you choose is NOT interested in resolution, they tend to make a crucial first mistake! You'll find this out for yourself if you ignore that advice. I've had 4 solicitors and now retain 2 perminantly (One in Scotland and another in England) and a 3rd on a advisory capacity.

http://www.resolution.org.uk/index.php?id=19

There are also (in relation to the children) very clear guidelines regarding NOT being able to grant divorce until both parties (parents) have agreed on a course of action. The second the papers for divorce are granted however the other party can break those promises and it can take a very long time to drag one another through the courts.

Also remember that because your wife is expected to look after 2 children (and I assume you are the main breadwinner) that the court may decide that you are to leave the house completely. That doesn't mean you lose the property, but it does mean your wife (ex-wife) and children are allowed to remain in the property indefinately. It can in some instances be considered too disruptive to the childrens lives and/or education to be expected to move house as well as all the other "traumatic" aspects of a marital breakdown.

That could tie-up any capital funds you might be including in your final settlement, so be very careful about all of this. A great many people automatically assume that property, belongings, parental responsibilities and even debts will be equally divided down the middle 50/50 and are very disappointed to discover their lives are ruined.

Children can and often do (even in the most initially amicable situations) end up being used as emotional buffers or pawns. I am sure that most (if not all) parents don't realise they are either doing it or the serious damage it causes to children's lives, perceptions of their father (or mother) and the long term psychological harm it causes. Any arguements should be out of earshot and I am really pleased to hear you've both decided not to say anything to them right now!

I know of very few parents who have successfully divorced and maintained a good relationship with their ex partner, managed to ensure their children remained relatively close to hand and ensured equal balance throughout the legal process. It can be done, but it takes a lot of homework right from the off! It also means being pretty determined in the face of a legal system ill equipped to deal with human issues.

One thing I have come to appreciate with the legal system is that although there is a great deal of empathy, there really is little a court can achieve in YOUR favour (as a father) when things start to go sour. I am NOT advocating the actions of pillocks like "Fathers4Justice" who have completely screwed genuine Dad's chances of changing UK parental laws for atleast a decade. I'm not anti-women as I have also advocated equally on mother's rights.

Been doing this for several years and know a bit about it!

Start doing your FREE homework as the best defense against a bad divorce is preparation:

http://www.yourrights.org.uk/your-rights/chapters/the-rights-of-children-and-young-people/children-involved-in-the-seperation-and-divorce-of-their-parents/children-involved-in-the-separation-or-divor.shtml

http://www.ability.org.uk/parents_rights.html

http://www.divorceaid.co.uk/legal/index.html

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/english/AboutCAFCASS/introduction.htm

http://www.familylaw.co.uk/

http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts1996/1996027.htm


I honestly hope it doesn't come to this, but everything you are saying suggests to me it possibly will. In order to be 100% sure, prepare, prepare, prepare! There are also many help groups to assist those who find themselves in this position.

Fuck the money - contrary to popular belief it really doesn't matter!

 

sorry to read this

 

Parris you are the man.............this is really appreciated

Just checking out stuff with my Financial Advisor and he said

"">
> Pensions and endowments cannot be protected, Jo and solicitor will be
> aware
> of them so any settlement will take these into account.
> ""

 

Have you considered counselling? I know it might sound like a waste of time/money and it's not something they do a lot of in the UK, but sometimes those kind of environments help you both express things that would be hard without a fight or emotional break down in private. Also having a professional analyse the dynamics of your relationship can be useful in identifying conflicts that neither of you might be aware of. If nothing else it might help you with closure. There is always a glimmer of hope in any situation and it at least sounds like she was willing to continue to try, even if you suspect other reasons were making her stay previously.

I have heard of couples who were already in the stages of divorce but their marriage was saved in the 11th hour thanks to counselling. I'll probably get beaten down by some on the forum for suggesting this but you've invested a lot into this marriage and it is worth fighting for.

If that fails then remember that althoug you are a husband and a father, you are also an individual and your life will continue after the adjustment is made. Depression is a big problem in this kind of situation, especially after the initial shock wears off, but you sound like you're taking this whole thing pretty well. Keep your chin up and make sure you spend alot of time with friends and family while all this settles.

Best of luck mate!